In this age of Trump, UKIP, AfD, Front National, and closer to home One Nation and Andrew Bolt, it behooves all middle aged white men to tell it like it is, no matter who gets offended (dammit, you're just not telling it like it is if someone isn't offended!). Wargaming, being the preserve of middle aged white men, is the perfect forum for expressing this trend.
This last Saturday saw the club's Mitcham premises given over to the Pirates in September Mega-Game! Yaarrr, cringe-me-nurgles and a yo-ho-ho! While the setting gives a nod to the Golden Age of Piracy, it reflected maybe more closely the Golden Age of Hollywood; Errol Flynn would probably have fitted in more than the real Blackbeard or Anne Bonney. However, the inclusion of vessels crewed by Goblins, Kriegsmarine and even Dad's Army added extra evidence that historical accuracy was not really a priority (added to that, random events like The Kraken, The Ghostship and The Maelstrom all added a Hollywood special FX feel to the game!). The brain-child of club stalwart Fly, who not only organises but co-umpires, this annual event is fast becoming a highlight of the club calendar.
How does the Age of Anti-Political Correctness feature? Well, I'm pretty sure that our individual missions wouldn't pass the Guardian-reading, Greens voting, Fair-Trade coffee sipping, pinko-leftie, liberal test of all things PC! Viz. my initial objective was to collect a native idol to bring back to the English port for historical/cultural research and be-damned what the natives think of the pillage of their religious and cultural artifacts! After successfully carrying out my first mission without being caught by the natives, I was given the task of collecting fruit from Horseshoe Island and transporting it to the Dutch port for medical research, again natives be-damned at having their food-crops raided. My 3rd and final task was to abduct a 'lady' and deliver her to the pirate port of Flytuga into the tender clutches of the pirates in order to show her a good time! Luckily I hadn't secured a map or navigator to find the pirates' base and the wind was against me before I could reach the Spanish port to 'recruit' a likely candidate.
I shudder to think what the other missions could have been; Trade muskets to one side of a native civil war in exchange for slaves? Transport those slaves to the New World plantations? Deliver TB infected blankets to unsuspecting native villages? Demand opium trading rights at gunpoint? Proselytising? I know at least one other task was to deliver a missionary to the native island. Whether his mission to convert the savages was a success or if he ended up paying the price for my cultural vandalism I never found out.... Anyway, I shouldn't go on; it might give them ideas for next year!
What have I said?!
I was playing the part of a British privateer crew, so I started in the British port along with the other privateer and RN crews. This year my vessel was christened the HMS Hiddleswift (geddit? My SHIPname? RelationSHIP? Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift? Anyone....anyone? Am I the only one with teenage daughters?.... Sigh!... I'll get my coat...) Naming it after a relationSHIP which had already foundered seemed like a smart thing to do. Last time I named my boat the Brangelina and it sank not once but 3 times; a portent of things to come? I wonder....
The British port, my home base.
The Spanish port.
The Spanish treasure ship!
No one took them on despite the booty; they were over-crewed and over-gunned!
The Ghost Ship and spooky island!
WOOOooooOOOoOOooHH!!!!
Wakanda Island.
Home to fierce natives and target of cultural pillage!
Flytuga, the pirate homebase.
Adventure Island.
Both Flytuga and Adventure Island were accessible only to players who had either assembled the map from clues bought or stolen, or who had access to natives to navigate them there.
The mermaid. Looks like she's got a bikini tan!
She was the object of one task: Take her to the French port for medical experimentation!
A militant Jesuit missionary and some pirate treasure.
Local denizens of the Spanish port
The strumpet who doesn't know how lucky she was that I ran out of time!
The Spanish governor and lackeys
Das Boot!
The Opium Ship! This special ship had a cargo of opium worth a king's ransom. Also adds bonuses to crew if taken before combat, at the expense of turning them into addicts and requiring a crew replacement at your home port !
Dad's Army!
The Dutch port.
AWI troops masquerading as Dutch infantry?
My lads on their way to a successful bit of cultural pillaging!
Capt. Bertie Bugler mans the Hiddleswift while the away party completes the mission
Success! The idol is on its way back to the British port.
Meanwhile, all the pirates have struck on a guaranteed method of success; Co-operation! The pirates attack the French port en masse
The Spanish galleon leads the treasure ship across the high seas.
Yarrrrr! (or should that be ¡El Yarrrro!)
The treasure ship remains unmolested.
WooooOOOOoooH! SpoooOOoooKy!
The giant octopus was another objective for players to capture....
....while the Kraken was a randomised event to make things interesting for players!
The pirate attack continues on the French port!
The name of Capt. Paul's ship. He's a funny lad!
Flush with dubloons, the Hiddleswift heads off on its next mission, sailing between the Kraken off the port side...
...and the Ghost Ship on the starboard bow!
Dubloons safely stowed, the Hiddleswift dodges danger to approach Horseshoe island to find a pair of scurvy dogs have already stripped the fruit from the trees after dealing with the hostile natives! Curses!
Time for a broadside or two!
After some desultory fire which only resulted in a waste of powder and shot, I decided that trade negotiations were called for: Spices were duly swapped for fruit trees. See kids? Violence isn't always the answer!
The umpires decided that the rampaging pirates were having it too easy: Send in the Kraken!
Meanwhile, back at the Spanish port, the galleon has docked alongside the Girl Power pirate ship which had just launched an underhanded, if unsuccessful, raid on the Opium Ship which has since beat a hasty retreat.
A close up detail of the rigging on on the galleon. Masterfully scratchbuilt vessel with, John B., the shipwright himself, in the background.
*This is a satirical post written with tongue planted firmly in cheek. No minorities were offended in the playing of this game. This blog-post, however, is another thing completely....
HMS Frolic had her maiden voyage (although renamed for the day...more on that later) at the club's mega-pirate event, Against All Flags! The brainchild of Fly, of the dice-whisperer fame, this was the pirate event to end all pirate events: with 4 tables 16' long and 4' wide, with 5 garrisoned ports and 13 ships, this was a massive undertaking. All players had an objective to fulfill and could form alliances if needed, otherwise, it was every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost! Into the mix were thrown chance events, like a Maelstrom, Ghost-ship or Kraken (which, due to an oversight, unfortunately didn't make it to the club!) and chance cards, which could be help or hindrance to the players.
Some suitably stirring piratical music!
My ship started in the French port (no, I couldn't understand that, either!) and drew the objective of locating and capturing the missionary and taking him to the Spanish port for religious re-education. Again, why the British Royal navy should be doing foreigners' dirty work was irrelevant.
I quickly ascertained that my objective was on the furthest table from where I started, ensuring that my game was going to be an eventful one! However, disaster struck before I'd even left my table; I was within range of the dastardly pirates on Fly-tuga island, commanded by James (of the Lead Capes blog) whose shore battery had their eye in from the beginning, scoring punishing damage at long range. Too long a range for me to respond in kind, unfortunately.
Then a series of random events occurred which you wouldn't read about that sealed my fate: namely, a chance card which stated that I'd run aground and then a random event determined by the umpires causing the Ghost Ship to appear in the same turn after I'd freed myself from the reef. It caused more damage after ramming me, then disappeared to Davy Jones' locker as mysteriously as it appeared! All the while I was under fire from Fly-tuga. Unsurprisingly, HMS Brangelina was a wreck and sank beneath the briny waves shortly after.
Fear not, dear reader! This wasn't the end of Capt. Bertie Bugler, R.N., and his valiant crew! It proved only a temporary setback, as ship and crew 're-spawned' at the nearest port, which ironically turned out to be Fly-tuga! Not only was I back in the game, I was one table closer to my objective, so there was a strategic benefit in dying so early in the game.
From then on, it was steady as she goes. I spent most of the rest of the game battling against the wind and moving very slowly, exchanging shots with other scurvy dogs as I passed, but doing no damage and receiving none in reply. I had just reached the table with my objective, changed course to head towards the island with the missionary, when the game was drawn to a close! Not even the help of quadruple movement brought about by umpires' decision for double movement in the last 2 rounds, plus the drawing of a double movement chance card could get me to my objective in time. So near, yet so far!
Oh, well; there's always next year!
The wide open sea! My ship is in the bottom left f the picture. My objective is just in front of Fly (the bloke in the funny hat in the background!)
The French port, commanded by Darren. I also shared it with Richard G. who sailed roughly the same path as me, though a lot more uneventfully!
The Spanish port, commanded by Mal - My ultimate destination
Paul's ship the Yellow Peril! He also had a ton of misfortune early, sinknig a turn before I did.
The fiendish Ghost Ship!
A detail of the spectral vessel! Paul did a wonderful job with this
Pete's 3-masted ship. One of the biggest afloat, I'd say.
Sean's saucy cutter. He had some dastardly luck, too, though I don't think it involved sinking!
Richard's ship in the French port.
Jon B.'s ship of saucy pirate ladies. He ended up putting the English port's garrison to the sword and even kidnapping the Governor, though I don't think it was his ultimate objective. Still, it was nicely done!
HMS Brangelina leaves port on her maiden voyage! God belss the ship and all who sail in her! Huzzah! (cue the stirring chords of the Onedin Line)
Thank you...
James' pirate shore battery calculates the range and fires!
...hitting my ship and scoring 4 points of damage to my hull! Ouch!
Each ship starts with 12 hull points
Richard follows in my wake, but I seem to be the favoured target (that'll teach me to have such a large ship!)
Paul's luck deserts him as his big ship becomes target of not only the smaller players' ships but the Ghost Ship on its first appearance on the board D'oh!
The first round of chance cards gave me this.
I rolled for damage to the hull and this was the result! I now had 2 points left!
Richard cleverly used me as cover, puting me between him and Fly-tuga. He kindly refrained from firing on me and I didn't provoke him in turn, not that it did me any good!
Paul in all sorts of bother, just before receiving the mortal blow which sent him to Davy Jones' Locker.
I'd just freed myself from the sandbank when the Ghost Ship appeared off my port bow! It collided, inflicting another hull point of damage!
It promptly vanished to reappear just beyond our ships, crashing into the nearby island.
With another hit from James' battery, all that is left of my proud ship is a few bubbles and floating debris!
The view from the English Port towards the native island where the missionary is located and the the Spanish Port in the background. Jon B.'s ship approaches port to deal with an outbreak of Yellow Fever from his chance card, though the English aren't in a very receptive mood!
Paul's ship is 're-spawned' on Fly-tuga island.
As is mine, on the opposite shore of the island.
Sean in all sorts of bother: he has the Ghost Ship AND Maelstrom to deal with!
The Spanish Port
The Spanish Governor and welcoming committee. Mal wasn't taking any chances: he was firing on any ship in range, even the Spanish ones!
I cross onto the 3rd board! But then the wind changed and I was forced to beat into an oncoming wind, slowing my progress considerably.
Richard was still tootling along, keeping pace with me, despite my leap-frogging ahead after 're-spawning'
"Pirates of Umbar off the port bow, Cap'n!"
Mal's shore guns misfire in the most spectacular way! KA-BOOOOMMMM!!! Never leave your slow-match near the loose gunpowder, kids!
The missionary on the native island. He never knew he was a marked man!
Jon B.'s lovely ladies making short work of the English garrison with well aimed small arms fire.
Neil G.'s Pirates of Umbar try a shot on my port quarter, but can't penetrate my hull!
The English Governor and his quill-pusher. He was shortly captured by the Girl-Power crew and spirited away from his command.
A less succesful pirate.
The rest of the English Port seemed un-fazed by the carry-on at the docks.
Meanwhile, at the French Port, things were quiet enough for the garrison commander to fraternise with some of the local working-girls.
The Pirates of Umbar try a raking shot on me, but again cannot land a punch!
With special assistance I arrive within sight of my objective. Too late, though!
I promised to inform you of the reason behind my ship's renaming, so here it is:
My oldest daughter informs me that the practise of contracting and combining celebrity couples' name is called 'shipping', from the root word 'relationship'. What better 'ship' to name my vessel after than one of Tinseltown's oldest and most stable pairing of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? Hence, the name HMS Brangleina!
However, results have proved that theory somewhat fallacious, I'm sure you will agree! Sunk in the first few rounds of the game, I think HMS Tomkat would have been more appropriate!
Big thanks to Fly for organising and umpiring this event, to Garry for sharing the umpiring and to everyone else in organising and playing in the game.
